So before I tell you about Romans 6, I need to give you some history of me.
It is a cold, wet day in April, it's early evening and I am doing laundry. I am 16 years old. A few months before, my father had taken a long-haul truck driving job and we hadn't seen him since. My parents had been separated for 2 years at this point. I was not sad or disappointed, nor did I miss him. When he left, the abuse had stopped. My mother had asked multiple times about possible abuse, but I had always denied it. I felt guilty, full of shame and at fault. The master manipulator at work. This was the first year that I had also stopped going to church.
Over the years I had told some friends the things happening in my house, or really at my dad's house. I got one of two reactions. The main reaction was shock and then a kind of distancing. The other was those friends then turning on me or my mother. So by this time, I had 2 very close friends and I had only told one of them. He was great about it, but had made me promise to tell my mother. He had informed me that I told her that night, or he would come over and tell her himself.
So on that cold and rainy night in April, I sat her down and told her. Interestingly she reacted exactly as I thought she would. Outrage, hurt, anger, all of it directed at Dad. She was saddened I hadn't told her sooner. At that time I had blocked a lot of the early abuse and really could only remember about 2 years of it. As I would later find out I had still managed to block the severity of that abuse. That would come to a head in about 2005. But that night was good in that we were communicating. I don't remember much else about that night or even the rest of that school year. We moved to Vancouver, WA. in June, my mom had been transferred.
The next couple of years were new friends, I only found 2 again, new and final school, and settling in. But in my Senior year a lot did happen. First of all Mom and I started going to church again. My sister had her fair share of problems, and church became a refuge for me. I had become the peacemaker in the house.
Another final thing that happened that year? I met the man who would become my husband. I didn't know he would be my husband, but I did know that I had a huge crush on him. We met while we both worked at Dominoes Pizza. I was only 18, so I couldn't drive, and back then they still had separate phone people. He was a driver. We started stopping for a salad or something after work and getting to know one another. I guess you could call it dating, but we never did. Actually he was 2 hours late for our first official date.. it was too funny. I found out he was Seventh Day Adventist (SDA), and I told him I attended an Open-Bible Church. I enjoyed the church and the people. Later, after we started officially dating he asked me to go to church with him. In our discussions I had figured out that they were Christians and that he was adamant about his Sabbath. That was all I knew. I wanted to know more. I hadn't even heard of SDA's before that.
So I went to a church with him. The building was like any other, as were the people. It looked, and felt like a church. The only difference of course is that it was Saturday morning. The pastor of this church was gone and so an elder spoke. A likable enough man, but about a subject that was boring and over the top for this Sunday going girl. None of my questions were really answered. So Tim invited me to go to his home church with him and his Dad, Step-mom and little sister. I really enjoyed both the service at this church and later over lunch (vegetarian :) ) with his family, I had many questions answered.
That would be my last experience with a SDA church, or any church for the next 5 years. Tim and I moved in together 9 months later, married 3 years after that, and had our first child a year later. Alex was 10 days old when we stepped back into a church of any kind, and it was a SDA church. They were very friendly and very nice. I made some friends there while we continued to attend and had discussed Bible study with the Pastor, then we moved. Tim and I moved back to Seattle. Well Auburn actually, close to his Dad's family who had moved up there a few years before. We continued to attend church and I went through Bible Studies to check out the Adventist doctrine and beliefs. To see if they matched with mine.
I found they did so I was baptized by immersion, 2 months after our daughter was born (they are 15 mos apart). Interesting, that although my beliefs matched, for the most part. I didn't have that relationship with Jesus I needed. I was still craving something. I thought by becoming SDA I would "fix" that shame in me. I would be whole. I was wrong. For years we continued to attend churches, in Seattle and later in Longview after we moved down here. I was never whole, I was never fixed. We had problems over the years, lots of them and I will get to some of those as they are reasons I stayed away. But the point I am trying to make is that I decided in 2006 that I needed to be renewed, completely.
In 2005, God had led me to counseling for the abuse, good counseling and after following his direction I haven't had any more problems with that aspect of my life. I have let it go. I had also met some great friends that I was getting closer to, but I was still distant. I still didn't trust completely. This was the closest I came before the last month to completely surrendering to God. I really felt that I needed to be re baptized, and so I was. I was baptized in Toutle River, on a warm summers day, by immersion. in 2006.
That was the day of my true rebirth in Christ. While I may not have stayed as committed as I should have, I still felt that baptism, that union with the Lord. I still felt his call when I would go to far away. I still felt pulled when sin would enter my life. I felt the conflict in me, and I wasn't full yet. But I think I was beginning to see that I could be.
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