I should probably start by telling you that I am now a Seventh Day Adventist Christian, and have been for 13 years. I found that the doctrines of this church fit best with my personal beliefs. I also believe that we all must make our own choices and no one can make them for us. God has given us free choice, it is up to us to choose.
The reason I turned away from God seems to make sense. At least in a warped way. I was so wrapped up in anger and resentment that I couldnt really find my way back until now. It's interesting to note how that anger can fester in a person. Even when I had thought I had forgiven and forgotten, it was still there. I liken it to a burr in your clothes. You know its there, but you cant find it. You know there is a problem, but aren't totally sure what the problem is. So what do you do? If you are like me, and I think many are, you ignore it of course. But if you really have a burr in your clothes and ignore it, does it go away? Well no it doesn't. It gets more annoying and scratching and then starts to feel bigger than it actually is. Like that rock in your shoe, that papercut on your finger. That chip on your shoulder. That's what was happening to me. I didnt recognize it though. Ok let's be honest, I didnt want to.
So to enlighten those that don't know, (this may be a sensitive subject for some, but is needed to explain some things) I was abused by my father, sexually, emotionally, and verbally. It started when I was about 9 and ended when I was 16. I dont remember the exact starting date, because of the grooming and manipulation that pedophiles put into their "subjects", but I do remember the ending date. That date is not as important as the fact that I had, for the most part stopped trusting the Lord by then.
You see, I didn't have a good role model, but that wasn't the complete problem. The problem was and is that trust is a key factor. If you think I hadn't prayed and prayed that it would end, you would be wrong. If you have ever experienced anything like that, and everyone has, if not the actual abuse I did, then other life altering changes, you know what I mean. You know how hard it is to trust something you can't see, and when there are no answers, how you finally accept there never will be. And when there arent any answers, how do you trust in your own beliefs. How easy it is for Satan to get in there with his lies and change your life. But I didn't stop going to church, ever. I still went. I still found God, but I didn't trust Him.
So why is that so important? Well let's face it, if you are with someone you don't trust, you never fully give your heart do you? You keep a part of yourself away and that part gets locked behind doors, with bars and multiples locks. If you are in a relationship with someone and are holding part of you, and not a small part of you, back, then are you truly in that relationship? Or are you just giving it lip service. I was not there, not completely, and God requires surrender and trust. To truly trust God you have to give Him your all! You have to let go!
So how does that happen? Well that is part of what this journey is about. I have been keeping a written journal, that I will be working on typing into here. I have only been on this journey for about a month. A committed journey actually and I wasnt before.
I will be discussing the books I am reading, the Bible book I am reading at the time, including my impressions of what I read that day. If you want to read along with me, I welcome your comments. Maybe you will get something else out of the reading for the day, I hope you do, for that is what the Lord wants of us. If I do nothing else with this blog, but get some more people actively, intently and with purpose reading their Bible, I will consider this a complete success. By the way, the translation doesnt matter, as long as you are reading His Word!
This is a warning too, I will be discussing some tough subjects and ideas. What I wont be doing is naming names and I wont be putting people down. I am almost 40 (ack!) years old, of course there are hurts in my life, from many different sources, and to truly come back to God, those have to be identified, dealt with and let go. To my friends and family who read this, please dont take offense at what I say, please know that I have forgiven completely now and the feeling is so freeing, I wont be taking it back. I have given it all, every hurt, every pain, every thought to God!
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